Week 12 Picks

I'm thankful for Thanksgiving Day games that are watchable. Thankful that Detroit has a win already. Thankful for drinking champagne at 10:55am. And most thankful I don't have any family within 200 miles. (Thanks Shannon for keeping it under 600)

Thanksgiving Day Games
Houston @ (+3.5) Detroit
Joe: DET. A Thanksgiving Day miracle?? I feel like we need more of these. There doesn't seem to be the same mystique surrounding Thanksgiving as there is around other holidays. I mean, what's better than the week that I graced this world with my presence?? That's why I'm taking a team that has no business staying in this game but on a short week and the Texans being taken to overtime by the Jags on Sunday, I'll take the points.
Mike: HOU. And now I'm turning on the game.
Final: HOU by 3. This is the game that will be noted for Detroit's coach erasing an automatic booth review by throwing a red flag. It's a mystery to me how rules like this pass in committee and through all the owners. It's no different than the white flag blunder.

Washington @ (-3.5) Dallas
Joe: DAL. After watching Dallas struggle against the Browns Sunday I'm convinced they'll dominate against the Skins. And by dominate, I mean cover the spread. Does this make any sense at all?? No, but do I ever pick correctly anyway??
Mike: WASH. One word: Argiethry.
Final: WASH by 7.  To swap up four spots in the 2012 NFL draft, the Redskins gave up three first round picks. Rarely is a player live up to those cards on the table. It's hard to let go to that notion that the Browns nearly traded up to get him. It would have been worth the price. (That said, I'm still happy with their choice of Trent Richardson at #3.)

New England @ (+6.5) New York Jets
Joe: NE. I give the edge to the Hoodie any time he's up against a team for a second time in a season. Except in Super Bowls. The Pats can't come off of 59 points and score less than 30 and even with a terrible defense they won't give up more than 24 to the J-E-T-S. (Unless they were saving Tebow for Thanksgiving like it's his wedding night or something)
Mike: NE. You are harsh.
Final: NE by 30. Remember back in the day when Peyton Manning was just starting to appear in commercials but Tom Brady was still a no-show, saying he'd rather be concentrating on football. Well now you can't go two minutes without seeing him or Peyton giving away shoes and pizzas.

Sunday Games
Minnesota @ (-5.5) Chicago
Joe: CHI. Wow, did the Bears look terrible Sunday night? But this is where the Vikings schedule toughens up and their playoff hopes disappear.
Mike: MIN. I don't feel good about this pick. A dome team playing on the road in cold weather. But I think they'll stay close. Jay Cutler is coming back from his concussion and isn't his surly self.
Final: CHI by 18.  I was totally wrong. The Vikings were never close and Cutler was as surly as ever.

Oakland @ (-7.5) Cincinnati
Joe: CIN. There will be points, lots of them, including AJ Green's 10th straight game with a TD but not enough for a Raiders cover.
Mike: CIN. A hundred miles up the road, Ohio State welcomed back Jim Tressel and carried him off the field. Today, Cincinnati welcomes back Carson Palmer who they also hope is carried off the field.
Final: CIN by 24. Carson *facepalm*er was humbled in the house that Mike Brown built. (This is the flipside of the RG3 trade with the Raiders dealing 2012 (1-17, Dre Kirkpatrick) and 2013 (2) draft picks for Palmer halfway through the 2011 season. You won't see a worse NFL trade.

Pittsburgh @ (+3.5) Cleveland
Joe: CLE. Seriously, Charlie Batch. This HAS to be the game for the Browns to win. By the way, did you hear they are handing out white flags to fans for the game?? This is not a joke, its a serious approved promotion they are doing for the game. WHITE FLAGS!!!! Apparently this didn't register at all in the promotions department as a bad idea.
Mike: CLE. I saw that. Pathetic. Embarrassing. How's it make you feel that guys like you can't get a foot in the door while the current imbeciles working for the Browns make decisions like THAT?!?! If I were you, I'd draft a message and send it to jhaslam@clevelandbrowns.com.
Final: BROWNS WIN!!! BROWNS WIN!!! This win goes to Jimmy Haslam. This win would not have happened had he not put in the kill order on the white flag marketing disaster. For decades, Pittsburgh sapped the power of Ohio football by luring Chuck Noll, Bill Cowher and Ben Roethlisberger across the river. Now some of that Pittsburgh power we know all too well has been restored to its rightful place in Northern Ohio. Jimmy Haslam is 1-0 vs Pittsburgh. It could be the start of something big.

And Happy Birthday to our birthday boy, Joe Miller! I remember the day you were born. I was in 5th grade, it was during recess and I got called into the office for a phone call. It is a big deal to get called into the office and be handed the huge office phone by the principal's secretary with a roomful of people bustling about. I got the news that it was a boy. I was so pumped that I ran back to the gym, jumped back into the dodgeball game and celebrated by whistling a red rubber fastball into an Amish kid's face. True story.

Buffalo @ (-3.5) Indianapolis
Joe: IND. The Colts at home are way better than on the road. A huge bounce back game for Luck.
Mike: IND. You convinced me. That, and they're playing Buffalo.
Final: IND by 7. The poor Bills. When the Browns finally get good and start winning games from this point forward, the Bills will be the laughingstock of the league. An expansion team like Jacksonville doesn't get the scorn like a former AFL team.

Denver @ (+10.5) Kansas City
Joe: DEN. While the big favorites haven't been covering, I'd trust Manning to do it more than most. They also now sport the league leader in sacks in Von Miller, who may get a couple more chasing down BRADY QUINN.
Mike: DEN. Kansas City has, what, one good player? JCharles? That won't be enough to stay within three touchdowns. I think Romeo and Pioli are in trouble.
Final: DEN by only 8. Chiefs manage three field goals to cover the spread. Matt Prater missed two field goals that would have given Denver the cover. Losing games like this, if I actually wagered money, would drive me insane.

Seattle @ (+2.5) Miami
Joe: SEA. There is some rule about west to east coast for early games but I'm overwriting that rule with the rule that Defense travels. Russell Wilson finally has a good road game and leads the Hawks to an easy win.
Mike: MIA. Thanks for reminding me of that rule. I disobeyed it with SD/TB and learned my lesson.
Final: MIA by 3. Honor thy father and mother. Follow the speed limit. Always say thank you. Don't smoke cannibis. Never bet on a west coast team to cover the spread when playing a 1pm game on the east coast. There are rules in this world, Joe, and you're best served by obeying them.

Atlanta @ (+0.5) Tampa Bay
Joe: TB. I'm riding the QB that threw an amazing game tying TD with seconds remaining over the one that threw 5 INTS last week. Still don't believe in the Falcons until they win a playoff game, which probably won't happen until the regular season is over.
Mike: ATL. That was really confusing. I still think Tampa is a 6-10 type of team.
Final: ATL by a point. Oh my! The 1/2 point spread is one point shy. I don't know who these FREAKS are that figure out the odds of every single game, every single week. But they scare me.

Tennessee @ (+2.5) Jacksonville
Joe: JAX. I really wish Tebow played for the Jags.
Mike: TEN. Meeee too! What were the Jets thinking when they got him? And what was Tebow thinking when he was given the choice and didn't go back to Florida? Somebody wasn't listening...
Final: JAX by 5. We are worse than ESPN, what with our Tebow banter and it's not even for the Jets game! That's it. You are BANNED from speaking Tebow in the Week 13 picks.

Baltimore @ (+0.5) San Diego
Joe: SD. Going against all anti-Norv rules and taking the anti-Ravens route. I really don't think they are that good. Rivers is due for a 400 yard 3 TD game, which might be enough by a point.
Mike: BAL. The Chargers are going to get buhlohn out.
Final: BAL by 3. I'm not thrilled to see Baltimore running away with the division but it's better than Pittsburgh. I am thrilled to see the Ravens and Steelers playing in close games, looking past their prime, their futures dark and foreboding. (i curse thee - i curse thee)

San Francisco @ (+1.5) New Orleans
Joe: NO. The reason the Saints win the game is because they don't challenge the 49ers D with runs in the middle. Brees will throw and throw and throw and throw some more.
Mike: NO. The Saints might string together enough wins to make the playoffs but winning in winter on the road will be impossible.
Final: SF by 10. Honestly, I didn't feel it in my heart when I picked the Saints. They will one day be thankful they captured the Trophy they did. At least they have one. Brees won't take them back to another.

St. Louis @ (-2.5) Arizona
Joe: ARI. Who will win the 2nd worst game of the day?? Who cares.
Mike: STL. There's a game worse that this one? This game is so bad that RedZone's Scott Hanson will be playing back highlights of the Tennessee/Jacksonville game instead to this one live.
Final: STL by 14! This game was amazzzzzzzzzz.zz.z.z.z....z (fell asleep)

Green Bay @ (-2.5) New York Giants
Joe: GB. At some point the Giants will turn it around but I'm not sure this is the week for it.
Mike: NYG. Only picking the Giants to disagree with you.
In Progress: NYG by 28. Knowing you are the self-professed worst fantasy football manager in the world, I surmised that your prognosticating skills may also be lacking. Therefore, knowing what you think you know but don't, I knew. You know that video where the wife and kids see off Daddy in the taxi, and the kids give him a smartphone video, and then the mom leans into the cab and sends him a video with the warning not to watch it in the cab? Well, wouldn't it make sense to have a web site tie-in where you go to samsung's website and get to see the video she made? I think godaddy.com just did a *facepalm*er.

Monday Night
Carolina @ (-2.5) Philadelphia
Joe: CAR. How long until the Philly crowd starts to boo and chant for Andy Reid to be fired?? Over/Under 5 minutes??? I'll take the under.
Mike: PHI. All good things must come to an end. The good news about Carolina losing a Monday Night game? Cam can cry himself to sleep after his press conference.
Final: CAR. Cam came.

Mike: 10-6; Joe 8-8