Mike's 2013 NFL Predictions

Let's face it. Last season was one to forget. The Browns tanked and fired everybody. Again. The former Browns made it to the big game and won. Again. And my fantasy football team failed to make the playoffs. Again.

So this is the part where the sportswriters sing about fresh starts, 0-0 records and the advent of a new NFL season. I'm here to pull the reigns on that enthusiasm. This season will be no different than last year. The Browns will have a losing record. Again. Ray Lewis' ugly mug will be all over ESPN. Again. And my fantasy football team… well… maybe there is hope. My team is awesome.

But this isn't about Passin' Weeden pinning their hopes on some running back named Bilal. It's about predicting how this NFL season will turn out. So here we go. Let's start with the most boring explosive division in football:

AFC NORTH
Baltimore 11-5
Cincinnati 10-6
Pittsburgh 8-8
Cleveland 6-10

To be clear, I have no love for the Ravens. My dislike for the Ratbirds used to be on par with that team from Pittsburgh and their genetically-challenged fans. But now that Ray Lewis is off the field and Art Modell is finally dead resting in peace, my feelings for the Ravens have shifted from despised to just another AFC North team. I've let it go. Again this year, Baltimore will win the division.

Hall of Fame coach Paul Brown, the namesake of the Cleveland Browns, was booted from Cleveland by the aforementioned traitor Modell in the 1960s. Brown later founded the Cincinnati Bengals making them, in fact, our ugly orange-headed step-sister. Fact is, I've never hated the Bengals. In fact, I wish them well. They're the Browns With Stripes. If Cleveland can't win the division, I'll always root for that other team from Ohio. I think they're a wildcard team this year.

Then we have Pittsburgh. It's amazing to me how many vehicles I see on the road with Steeler license plate covers, bumper stickers and so forth. You know how many of those people actually grew up in the Pittsburgh area? None of them. You can look it up. If you see somebody in Steeler gear, they're not from Pittsburgh. They clearly have mental issues, no friends and are desperately grasping for attention. All we can do is shake our heads and feel sorry for them. The glory days are over and now their players are so old, they don't even get arrested for rape anymore. You can look it up.

Then there's the Browns. In season openers since their return in 1999, the Browns are 1-12. Amazingly bad. Number of playoff appearances in 13 years? One. Ugh, stop it Mike. Just stop it. It's a new year! Fresh start! 0-0 record. If the Browns can beat Miami in Week One, maybe I'll be more optimistic but I don't see it happening. Maybe they'll be better than last year's 5-11 record but chances are they'll be as bad as ever. (This is as optimistic as a realistic Browns fan can ever be.)

AFC EAST
New England 9-7
Miami 8-8
Buffalo 5-9

NY Jets 3-13

This used to be the number one division in football. Now it's just first alphabetically.

AFC SOUTH
Houston 11-5
Indianapolis 9-7
Tennessee 8-8
Jacksonville 1-15

I'm no fan of the Texas Republic but that team in Houston is fun to watch. They have playmakers on both sides of the ball. The Colts won a ton of games in the fourth quarter last year but their Luck runs out this season. Tennessee will overachieve to finish 8-8 while Jacksonville struggles to win a game.

AFC WEST
Denver 12-4
San Diego 6-10
Oakland 6-10
Kansas City 5-11

This is a pitiful division. I wonder if an NFL season preview can be written without mentioning the quarterback of Denver's franchise. The internet might literally explode if I don't mention him. Maybe this passing reference is enough to sav e …. mkl aj hlf  b zzzz  za  tttt

NFC EAST
NY Giants 10-6
Dallas 10-6
Washington 9-7
Philadelphia 7-9

Fans of the aforementioned teams in this division are egotistic and delusional. I wish they would lose every single game. Boring and overrated. But since I'm in the DC suberbs now I'll support the local team. Go Skins? Oh, and a side-note to the NFL Geography Experts: Dallas is not in the East.

NFC NORTH
Green Bay 11-5
Detroit 10-6
Chicago 8-8
Minnesota 6-10

Adrian Peterson, you are awesome, but you will not rush for 2,000 yards again. Don't act like you're going to really try this year and break Dickerson's record. Last year was your chance and you are an amazing player but you'll be hard pressed to hit 1400 with that miserable offense. See you in Canton.

NFC SOUTH
Atlanta 11-5
Tampa Bay 9-7
New Orleans 9-7
Carolina 6-10

Dang, Cam Newton just saw my prediction and now he's depressed again. Sorry, bud. New Orleans will score a ton of points but the defense will give up even more.

NFC WEST
San Francisco 10-6
Seattle 10-6
St Louis 9-7
Arizona 3-13

I probably say this for every division that isn't the AFC North, but this might be my least favorite set of teams in the NFL. Any team with a Harbaugh automatically is on my Hope They Fail list, Seattle is vastly overrated, Jeff Fisher is not a good coach and Carson Palmer is washed up. I'm rooting for the mathematical possibility that these teams go a combined 0-40-24 -- losing every game and then tying each other.

NFC Rookie of the Year: Eddie Lacy, Green Bay
AFC Rookie of the Year: DeAndre Hopkins, Houston

AFC Championship: Baltimore over Denver, again.
NFC Championship: Green Bay over Atlanta
Super Bowl: Green Bay over Baltimore